Protecting the Us

"How do I keep my relationship from becoming just a 'project' while we're trying to conceive?"

This is a question I hear weekly. When a bedroom becomes a laboratory, the intimacy that brought you together can start to feel like a chore. Before couples ever walk into a fertility clinic, most have already spent months trying to do everything they possibly can.

Month after month, they track ovulation, count cycle days, search the internet for the "perfect" timing, the "right" position, the supplements they should take and the foods they should avoid. Little by little, intimacy becomes scheduled rather than spontaneous. What was once a source of joy and connection can gradually become associated with pressure, expectation and, sometimes, anxiety.

Trying for a baby slowly becomes a project. And projects can be exhausting.

Surprisingly, one of the most rewarding moments in my consulting room often comes during that very first appointment. For the first time, someone sits down, listens to their story, explains what is happening and, most importantly, creates a plan.

I like to tell my patients: Let us carry the medical plan, so that you can simply return to being yourselves. Be close for all the reasons that brought you together long before trying for a baby became part of your lives. We'll take care of the treatment. You take care of each other.

I often see relief in the room. For the first time, someone else begins to carry the responsibility. The problem doesn't disappear. But the burden changes shoulders.