I am Scared to be Happy

On the lost joy of expecting.

Over the years, I've stopped expecting every positive pregnancy test to bring immediate joy. Sometimes it brings relief. Sometimes disbelief. And very often, it brings fear.

When a woman dreams of having a baby, she dreams of the pregnancy too. The first positive pregnancy test. Telling her partner, calling her mother. Buying the first tiny clothes. Choosing a name. Feeling the first kicks! Simply waiting.

Then infertility happens. Months, sometimes years of treatment. Or miscarriage. Sometimes more than one.

And even when pregnancy finally comes, many of those moments have already been taken away. Joy gives way to fear. And this is no longer the pregnancy she once imagined.

She will check for bleeding every time she goes to the bathroom. She will freeze with fear if, one day, she feels a little less nauseous than usual. She will believe that if she doesn't become too attached, the loss will hurt less. She won't let herself fully believe that this is really happening. She won't buy any baby clothes. She won't decorate the nursery.

She will keep telling herself: "Maybe after the next scan." "Maybe after the first trimester." "Maybe when I can finally feel the baby move."

As a doctor, I understand why they are afraid. As a woman, it breaks my heart. Because pregnancy was never meant to be something to survive. It was meant to be a time of waiting, wondering, imagining... and, whenever possible, of joy.

I wish all my patients were given that chance.